Pieces of Mind 2

I am at Utah State, running with the "Aggies" who all seem to carry an attitude--I wasn't excluding myself at all, but everyone here has a grudge that they harbor against someone else....BYU for example, is hated without reason by 3/4 of the student body.

Mine is: girls here who think that I am attracted to them. I understand that we aren't in high school...but I don't understand why people cannot talk to each other if they haven't been formally introduced by a mutual friend. I DON'T CARE if you are married, or have a boyfriend...i'm not talking to you because I want to capture you and have children with you! I talk to people because my voice works, and I rather enjoy the sound of my own voice...and talking to oneself can prove socially awkward.

Its a disconnect of motives and goals...girls in their late teens/early twenties want to be MARRIED, while I simply want to talk and enjoy the "bronze" years of my life. Never again will I be so free and able...why would I want to terminate it prematurely by attaching myself to a strange girl? When I marry, it will be to someone I know, and trust and love...but what if I don't like the choices of girls that are offered to me at the moment? I need to talk to strange new girls and see if we can be friends! My logic is sound, at least in my mind.

Let me explain the "Bronze Years". If the "Golden Years" are when you are old and 'valuable', then before that, when you are responsible and taking care of a family, holding down a job-yada yada yada...(the boring years) are your 'Silver Years'...when you are earning your silver hair. The stage I consider myself in is labeled "the Bronze Years" where you are HARD and IMPENETRABLE and OPINIONATED without logic or reason-all of which are refined until you reach "Golden" status, which is forty years or so away. Taking the metaphor further, the 'Clay Years' are the first 20 years when you are most malleable and mold-able. You take things in, change shape due to others' influence...you learn.

The "Bronze Years" are connected through schism, between male and female. This is where ALL my trouble sprouts and turns into delicate shoots of angst and frustration. Bronze years for boys includes discovery, recklessness, shouting at the stars when their favorite yellow sweater is RUINED by the grime in the Wal-Mart parking lot. It is instictive: Hunt, kill, laugh, eat, repeat. Physical prime and mental wiring warrants such behavior.

For Bronzing co-eds, life consists of acting clueless, blown aimlessly from starboard to port in the gale of life, and standing completely informed and expert. They cry together over jerk boys, who they are helplessly magnetized towards. They are somehow deluded into thinking they can override the programing and instinct in a 'Bronze Boi' and stand firm until the beast rips away and takes the female's heart with him. "Call in the experts!!" Gather round and 'we'll over-analyze everything and coddle you into further dementia regarding Bronze boys.' Paralleling the beast, It is purely instinctive: BABIES, BABIES, BABIES!! Physical prime warrants such. Ten more years and these 'silver backs' will be without fertile oocytes to harness the "ever-bronze" seed! Girls are ticking like clock-work, month after month...Boys are the key, the unpredictable, unreliable key.

What bothers me most about these 'Bronze Beauties" is how willingly and whimsically they throw themselves at the 'Bronze Beast'. There needs to be some semblance of balance between "BABIES, BABIES, BABIES" and standing firm for something...at least in my mind. Beauties will move in with Beasts to satiate the said Beasts' appetite, and HOPE and PINE for loyalty and reliability...which is found nowhere in the "HARD IMPENETRABLE HUNT KILL EAT LAUGH REPEAT" instinct. The most instinctive and wild of "beasts" seem to get the best of the "beauties", who tear them down most because the 'beauty' had such high hopes of getting what she wanted: Babies, and stability. Beast ALWAYS gets what he wants "the KILL the EAT and the LAUGH" and moves on. (I haven't decided if KILL or EAT is sex, you decide-hope you grasped the metaphor by now ;-)

The reason for the RANT, I feel like i'm different. I don't want SEX. If that is what keeps most through the "Bronze, Silver, and Gold" years, they can keep it. I want conversation, I want friendship, I want trust, I want understanding, I want someone I understand--who forgives, who understands the Savior, who pushes me...NONE of these girls here have those things...at least not the few that I know. And the thousands I don't know think i'm there to "HUNT KILL EAT LAUGH" and move on. In MY deluded mind, CONVERSATION is not equal to SEXUAL INTERACTION. There is some strange trigger...if you are introduced through a mutual friend, girls lose their footing and are blown about in every-which-way.

There are only two extremes in my life: You simply don't know me...or you DO, and you are THROWING yourself at me!! Don't throw yourself at me! I DON'T WANT YOU! This is just my "attitude" that I carry around, this is my perception of the fallacy of the world, this is my 'sapling' of angst and frustration.